Go back to Words & Wit pageSAN FRANCISCO -- My what a great and glorious morning it is except for the rain and storm clouds! Finally, Californians have come to their senses and excised the root of all misery in the Golden State: illegal aliens.
"I am chastised," one illegal alien told this space early Wednesday morning. "I thought I could coast by living the good life, checking into charity hospitals and standing in welfare lines whenever I felt like it, but I see I was wrong now. I'm going home."
Back to Mexico City?
"Back to France, actually. But believe me, I'll tell every French person I see: The game is up. Don't try any of that tricky stuff in California."
Another luxurious option no longer available to sniveling whining nasty illegal aliens: public schools. No longer will their children waste precious classroom time with their parlez-vous Francais and their espirit de la staircase. Instead, they'll be hanging out almost invisibly in strip-malls and supermarket parking lots, singing wholesome French folk songs in a nonthreatening way.
"Thank God," healthy non-French Americans will remark on their way to buy baked goods, "those ragged children are not learning English at public expense!"
Californians will also notice shorter lines at free clinics and large urban hospitals -- at least until that darned TB epidemic kicks in. In a way, though, even that will be a good thing, because the illegals who do not flee back to France will shortly be outsourced by life (to coin a phrase) and will no longer be a drain on anyone's time or attention.
Another great advantage: Those fine yard work and dishwashing jobs that illegal aliens have been hogging will now be available to all Californians. Unemployment rates will tumble as citizens enter the workplace with a renewed sense of vigor, aware that their status entitles them to pour water at the tables of rich people -- citizen serving citizen, the way it should be.
"You want your lawn raked?" a proud Californian will say, in fine unaccented English!
Some sore losers are still complaining that Proposition 187 is heartless and racist. Nothing could be further from the truth. Supporters of this fine new law take their cue from Arianna Huffington, wife of almost-senator Mike Huffington (now substantially poorer and no more powerful than he was this time last year), who once semi-knowingly employed an illegal alien.
Said Ms. Huffington when her error of judgment was revealed: "We didn't think of her as an illegal alien; we thought of her as a human being."
Late yesterday afternoon, Gov. Pete Wilson (more powerful than ever but still just as short) announced the appointment of Ms. Huffington to head the Illegal Immigrant Evaluation Panel (IIEP). Any illegal immigrant who comes before the board and is able to prove to Ms. Huffington's satisfaction that he or she is a human being will be allowed to remain in the country.
"There are perhaps a dozen human beings among these aliens," said Wilson. "The rest of them are short bald people who want to kidnap Californians and perform bizarre medical experiments on their genitalia. The human beings can stay; the others must go back to their home planet, or Mexico City."
California: It's a great place to be from.
Go back to Words & Wit page